Aaron Ciminelli

Why Holographic Emojis from Typewriters Are the Future of Communication

In a world where technology is advancing at a pace even snails would mock, I recently stumbled upon a groundbreaking revelation: The old-fashioned typewriter, once considered an archaic relic of the past, is making a grand re-entry into the tech space. And how? By typing out holographic emojis. Yes, you read that right!

Most of us were busy swiping and tapping on our ultra-slim glass screens when the typewriter community (all twelve of them) decided to remind us of the beauty of physical feedback with each keystroke. But this isn't your grandma's typewriter. No, no. This is the typewriter 2.0: vintage aesthetic meets modern-day emojis.

You're probably wondering, "Why on earth would I need a typewriter to send emojis when I can do it from my phone?" A valid question, dear reader, but hear me out. The sheer joy of watching a holographic emoji pop out of a typewriter is unparalleled. It's like sending a message via pigeon, but the pigeon is shiny, digital, and doesn't poop.

Furthermore, the typewriter community believes this could solve the current epidemic of misunderstood texts. "Imagine getting a holographic angry face emoji after typing a passive-aggressive note to your colleague," says Berty Clickclack, president of the Typewriter Revival Association. "The sheer dimensionality of the emoji will ensure they understand the depth of your petty rage."

The typewriter also promises an answer to the ever-present "typing... stopped typing" dilemma. As Mr. Clickclack eloquently puts it, "With the typewriter, they'll hear you typing. And if you stop, well, they'll hear that too. It's the perfect solution to overthinking what the other person might be writing."

As with any revolutionary product, there are skeptics. Some argue that this is just another attempt by the typewriter lobby (again, all twelve of them) to stay relevant. Others point out the minor inconvenience of carrying a 10-pound typewriter to coffee shops just to send a holographic wink to the barista. But as with all great innovations, only time will tell if this becomes the next big thing or just another footnote in the annals of tech history.

In conclusion, if you're tired of the monotony of your smartphone's emoji game and crave the tactile satisfaction of a typewriter, this might just be the absurdly specific niche product for you. As for me, I'm holding out for the version that types out holographic GIFs. Because who doesn't want a dancing cat hologram?

(Note: This article is purely satirical and intended for entertainment purposes.)